I don’t know that I was born a warrior. Maybe I was, but I was so full of fear in my early years, that I don’t know that it was immediately evident. Perhaps it was hiding…..in my endless hope and refusal to give up…..or in my willingness to befriend and go to bat for the underdog. Or maybe…..it was hiding in moments not unlike the time I jumped off the roof of a shed while playing a game of tag. The neighbor kids were sure surprised by that, if I recall correctly.
And perhaps……it was hiding in thoughts I kept to myself. Thoughts that couldn’t be manipulated by the controllers in the world. Thoughts that boldly rebutted with a “screw you” to those who tried to stomp me down. Perhaps……it was hiding there for a long time before my mental toughness and dexterity built to the point I gathered the courage to act.
I don’t know whether my late husband realized it, but I often went to bat for him and with him. If any animal….wild, human, or otherwise…..would have ever threatened him or our children, I would have killed to protect them. If my husband had ever been hanging off a cliff, needing me to pull him up and away from certain death, he would have been able to count on me. And to this day, this is the kind of thing I long for. I will go to battle with and for my mate, children, friends…..even more than I will go for myself. But I’ll go out of principle, too. I’ll go for the greater good…..for love….freedom.
I was thinking about identity earlier this morning and aside from terms and labels like “warrior,” I was thinking about who I am intrinsically….if that’s even a thing. I have no idea what spurred the thought, but swimming around somewhere in me was an idea regarding what men might seek in a woman. It is, of course, my perception only….with no basis in reality. However, I suppose I have this idea (originating from personal observation) that what many men seek is more of an “angel.” And by this, I mean…..kind, gentle, caring, loving, nurturing. I have an image in my head, in fact, of this kind of woman…..a calming and soothing sort with the power to wash away all strife and pain from a man’s life.
This isn’t me.
Now, anyone who knows me, knows that I’m not a fan of any sort of fixed identity…..for the simple reason that it limits the myriad of possibilities in who we may become from one moment to the next, one year to the next. However, I’ve been more engaged with just “being” lately and I have to say……I have yet to fit the picture in my mind of a beautiful light and calming “angel” here to save mankind. Contrarily, I more resemble another picture.
The warrior.
But hold up. Don’t some men want THAT instead? Don’t some men prefer a more feisty and fiery nature to a calm and gentle vibe? So what if they do? Isn’t it all just tragically superficial? And who am I, really? I suspect that for any man looking for feisty and fiery, I might be just as big of a disappointment. Because, I look like a complete push over in a relationship……until I’m not. And the reality is that I do have a very soft hearted side…..innocent. I never even told a lie until I was age ten and even then, I felt an immense amount of guilt about it for weeks. And the lie was pretty pathetic. I told my parents that I hadn’t noticed that the street lights had come on and it was getting dark. And even as I got older, my “innocence” persisted. I never had sex when it seemed everyone was having sex…..nor did I experiment with drugs when everyone seemed to be doing that. How’s that for an angel? But then…..if one were to look at the latter half of my life so far……well, he/she might see an entirely different side to me.
So who am I? Am I the type of woman who makes a good friend…..but not the type anyone falls in love with? Is this how I identify myself? If so, isn’t that a sad and limiting belief…..
The heart of a child and fight of a warrior…..perhaps both are hiding in there. Or perhaps……neither. The deeper I go, the more I just want to let go of all the labels…..even as the ego fights to hold on. The ego…..which cries itself to sleep at night and rises up within me during the day to overcome and rejoice. It feels divine, but it’s deceiving. Whoever I am…..maybe that can’t be known except by surrendering it. Surrendering the identity….and idea that I am anything at all.
And perhaps I am nothing…..and everything at once. No one……and everyone. Perhaps it’s all any of us are…..and this feels so very un-special to the individual ego. Furthermore, if it’s true, how do we choose anyone at all over anyone else? How do we find a partner to move with us through this life if we are all one? How do we differentiate?
Right now, as I write this, I’m starting to suspect that we don’t. We don’t find anyone. And no one finds us. When we surrender, the universe moves us all where we are to go and who we are to go with.
And THAT is quite special, indeed.
Jeanie Unbottled 