So out of my control…

Busch Stadium….opening day. I’m excited. I get to spend the day off work with my kids watching the Cards do what they do. And then, I could have sworn I saw you on the field playing for the other team…..and later, in line at the concession stand.

But it wasn’t you. It was just some weird and unexplainable thing that had been happening where I would see your face everywhere in other people…..more often when my mind was taking a break from thinking about you or anything and anyone else. I would forget, for a moment, and then there you would be……in a television show, at the park.

Now, over a month later, I’ve just accepted that this is going to be a regular occurrence…..and am beginning to realize that it could even become a bit stranger. Last weekend, I attended a concert with a friend and saw someone in a crowd who reminded me, again. I even pointed him out and then forgot as my friend and I moved in and out of the crowd all night enjoying the show. But the show ended and there the person stood…..just a few feet away with the lights on in an emptying venue. He was wearing a t-shirt with the name of a local business and coincidently, I had questions about consignment there for some of my son’s music equipment. So, without hesitation, I walked over to this person who was likely younger than some of my grown kids….and started talking. Not bothered in the least, it seemed, I stared into his face……and I’m pretty sure my soul left my body in that moment. Perhaps he didn’t quite know or understand what was really going on……but he seemed at least partially aware of something. And he didn’t budge…..even when my friend came over and distracted me from any coherent thought. I looked at him….told him I didn’t mean to keep him and that he could go. After we both walked away, my friend made fun of him a little, but I didn’t care. I could have looked at that face forever….

Two days later, my son asked me to go with him to place his things on consignment…..and I succumbed to doing something I would have rather avoided. I went with him to the very store in which I might encounter the person from the concert. After all, it was the best place to go, despite my reluctance to step foot in the place. No matter what I had thought the night of the concert, my frame of mind had shifted and I presently hoped the person wouldn’t be working. I felt stupid and messed up…..which I think it’s safe to say that I might be. Seeing you in other people……in some “kid” even. What was or is wrong with me?

But we drove to the store and as I approached the counter with some items, I thought I might be in the clear. The person at the counter was just some young dark-haired guy…..not him. Thank goodness.

But then he was there……fast. He had recognized me and came over immediately. I tried to act normal and believe I completely pulled it off……but his face. He still looked at me the same way……and there was still that something that I couldn’t explain. I wanted to say, “I’m sorry, dude….I have this issue. I keep seeing this other person in different people and I saw him in you and I can’t stop it or explain it. I promise, I’m not some cougar here with her son who is likely older than you….and I didn’t come here because of you.”

But, I didn’t say any of that. Instead, my son and I walked back out to the car to get more things and he was hiding in an office when we came back in. Whew. He did come out one more time before we left and I saw him look over at me…..seemingly still curious and perplexed by whatever was going on. I decided I just had to chalk it up to one more unusual experience in the ever-increasing pool of them. Write about it, maybe…..but I’m already wondering what’s next and whether it will all end at some point.

Because, I really want it to end. I’ve been feeling so positive and at peace with myself and my life. I feel whole. Why do I need these little reminders? It makes no sense to me. I feel good……even with the reminders and overall strangeness. And maybe none of it is really strange at all, but just out of scope of my normal experience. I’m considering the possibility that it all just needs to be accepted like other “realizations” over the past year. All of which, I have been accepting…..but maybe I’m still fighting some too. Maybe there’s a part of me that still wants it all to be normal and it’s just not. I want a normal kind of attraction, love, relationship, break-up, moving on……whatever. You know, the kind of stuff involving a manageable level of feeling and awareness.

This whole other-wordly garbage is…..well… out of my control.

2 thoughts on “So out of my control…

  1. That is definitely trippy Jeanie. I still have these intense dreams with my ex wife and we’ve been divorced for 7 years. I too try to figure out what that’s all about, since we have both moved on. Sending peace to you.


    1. I had dreams about my late husband for a long time after he passed away. Most of them were about him harassing me, having feigned his death. The dreams gradually subsided and I may have only a very occasional one now….once a year or so. The last one with him wasn’t bad at all…..very thankful for that.

      Liked by 1 person

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