Just as confused…

The truth. I don’t know what that is. I don’t have any answers. I have words and feelings in the moment, which seem to make a mess of things…..because I am, quite simply, unsure about almost everything and everyone. There are no signs or guides. Just a confusing glob of thoughts and feelings tangling up the threads….weaving together stories from my own point of view and possibly my imagination. The truth? I don’t even know where to begin with that. This is not to say that I haven’t tried to be truthful or attempted to get down to the nitty gritty of who I am, what I think, and how I feel. This also is not to say that I know nothing about any of that. It’s just that partial knowledge makes me stupid and clueless. I suppose, just like everyone else.

This is the bottom line. Having just spent two days writing two different lengthy blog posts about a past “triggering” experience and the void of feeling I have been experiencing these past months in regards to possible romantic encounters, I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m writing just what I need to write in the moment, sharing just what I want to share in the moment, all while the whole truth remains elusive. And yet, I want it…..and think readers may want it….and I want to give it. However, I can’t. I can’t give it, because I’m not privy to it, myself. I don’t know how I’ll feel tomorrow or how my future will look. I can’t possibly share every single detail about every single thought and feeling in the moment. Try as I might, I can’t even begin to know every single detail about every single thought and feeling I may have and nothing is ever fixed or absolute, anyway. And the problem doesn’t stop there. One truth doesn’t necessarily negate another, even when they seem to be at odds. I’m not perfect and as a complex human, the truth can be a very difficult thing to discern.

Perhaps the truth about such things doesn’t even exist. Perhaps it’s nothing more than a nice concept. We all walk around in confusion, even those of us who believe we’re somehow clear-headed, in control, and know what we want while judging everyone else for their lack of clarity, self-awareness, and honesty. Our relationships suffer because of the confusion, but some of us don’t even realize that. We think we know what we’re doing, especially those of us who focus on practical success or mental and emotional health and self-awareness. Maybe some of us even find ourselves on some sort of spiritual path or journey, seeing signs and trusting our intuition and inner knowing while thinking we are somehow less confused because of these things…..thinking we somehow know the “truth” of things. And yet, we never really do…..not in this reality, realm, dimension, existence, etc. And maybe that’s the only truth we do need to know and understand, that we’re not alone in the confusion. It’s there in all of us at birth. Some of us try to think our way out of it, while others try to feel their way…..and everyone seems to have an answer. What are religions and spiritual practices if not an answer or a way out? Even the society we live in and its “teachings” are our attempt to put order to and make sense of this world. So, we grow up thinking that there are right ways of doing things and wrong and we mistakenly believe this “knowledge” somehow makes us less confused. But just look at our relationships with one another and one can see that we’re no less confused with any of it. People still fight and wage war against each other at all levels. Pinting fingers and blame exists at all levels.

It’s probably safe to say that I think a lot about my own personal relationships. This seems to be a truth about me. Even as I write this, I’m thinking about my personal relationships. I’m thinking about how my confusion can affect my relationships….how other people’s confusion and insecurities can mirror my own and/or affect me in turn. In cases of abuse, specifically, it is easy to blame another person for one’s confusion or even blame the self for a lack of clear boundaries, low self-worth, etc. However, I’m finding a flaw in this approach. Working on who and what I attract, as well as setting healthy boundaries and practicing self-love, only goes so far. While these may be positive steps in the overall process of growth, they do almost nothing to bridge the gap between me and another person. I suspect, in fact, that these seemingly positive approaches actually create an even wider separation of the “self” and “other.” This is not to say, however, that my own health hasn’t required me to let go of unhealthy people or situations throughout the years and hasn’t required me to learn to take care of myself and my own needs. However, if I stop there, I do nothing to further the overall condition of humankind and I remain as confused as ever about right and wrong, good and bad, and I can still hurt people.

Suffice it to say, therefore, that the moment I cut ties with someone for the sake of self-preservation and personal growth, I turn a blind eye to that person’s struggle and confusion and I close the door on my own compassion and empathy. Again, this is sometimes necessary in the moment (less I suffer from abuse,) but it still doesn’t make me any more evolved or any less confused than anyone else…..because less confused is still confused. You see, being a compassionate and empathetic person doesn’t just make me vulnerable to others who may attempt to take advantage of it. Being a compassionate and empathetic person is what results from my understanding that others are vulnerable too. Others are just as confused as I am, maybe some are even more confused than I am, but again, the idea of more of less doesn’t matter. We are all equal here. We are not separate. There is no “me” and “you” or “self” and “other.” There is only “we” and “us.” Anything less than that is still confusion.

Confusion remains because separation remains. When we begin to understand that we are all confused, it becomes part of a way out. I say “part of a way” because being “one” with others (and understanding that there are no “others”) isn’t the full picture either. Being one with all of existence is. It’s just that we can’t be one with all of existence if we’re not one with everyone else. And we can’t be one with everyone else without understanding that we are no different than everyone else….that we are all confused and trying to find our way. No amount of thinking or feeling will get us there….only our presence with the moment, with people, and with the compassion and empathy we find within ourselves. That’s it. Our separation is our confusion, so don’t separate.

Be compassion. Be empathy. Be everyone you meet. Be all of nature. Be the moment. If you sometimes find yourself somewhere else, being something else, simply return. If you find that I don’t know what I’m talking about here, that’s okay, too. It simply means that I’m just as confused as anyone and everyone else….