Sometimes, words flow. Sometimes, they don’t. Sometimes, I don’t get to finish a thought due to time constraints. Sometimes, I get caught up in the editing. Sometimes, I drive even myself crazy with the analyzation of the human psyche.
All of this has been the case for me the past two weeks or so. I started a post and didn’t finish. By the time I got back to it, I changed much of the content and scrapped most of the original message.
It is often said that once we express something, we let it go. We move on from it and grow beyond it. For me, this definitely seems to be the case more times than not.
And so, although I finally just finished that post and published it today, I feel the need to write more….to express more in the “now.” In fact, maybe the post to which I am referring is a bit of a lie in this current moment. I wrote about running…..about how I’m going to stop. And yet, today, I am planning to take off with my camper, Gloria, and get away from everyone. Towing with my Jeep might not be the best idea right now, but it’s a risk I think I will take.
You see, I was triggered by something last night and it’s not good. If I don’t run…..don’t take to flight…..it could be even worse. I could end up expressing all sorts of things that will make all sorts of people uncomfortable. I could end up being mean. I could confess private things that should stay in the bedroom.
Except, it would be things that never actually enter the bedroom for me. Things that I keep under wraps. Things that scream to get out, but I don’t let them.
I’m not afraid to let people see me this way….through my writing. I can write all day long, telling all, and be perfectly fine with it. But allowing someone to see me under more intimate circumstances seems to make me clam up. I don’t communicate…..with words….without words.
It’s definitely my issue. However, I’m tired of people calling attention to it…..especially those who have the exact same issue. I suppose I aim to be patient and understanding and give people time to open up and I don’t understand when they don’t do the same for me. Maybe they’re just aware that opposites attract…..that sometimes it takes people unlike ourselves to bring out different things in us. But I don’t actually like the people with who I tend to be more open and relaxed. Contrarily, I tend to like people who are more like me.
I’m going to be honest here. There’s probably not a point to this blog entry. It’s likely that I’m just typing as fast as my fingers allow so that I can purge whatever is taking up space inside my head and get on the road. Originally, I had plans to get away…..to get a change of scenery…..and to begin a short book I want to write before the end of the year. It’s a good idea, I think, with a good title. However, this issue that has risen for me needs to be dealt with.
Maybe I will cut people out of my life. Maybe the last of them will just fall away. Maybe they need to. I’m not sure, but definitely leaning a direction right now.
And maybe I need to take this issue…..and accompanied issues…..and work on them. Maybe I need to strengthen myself physically to minimize areas of insecurity. Maybe I need to just completely close myself off until the end of time or go crazy the other way, trying every new thing possible. You wanna play? I’m going to play…..and if you’re too tame, well you might want to watch out.
But if you’re someone who thinks he can handle this cat….well, go ahead and grab me by the back of the neck and see what happens.