The impermanence of everything in this world is obvious anywhere one might look, yet we so often believe the unpleasantries of life will continue indefinitely. Why is that?
Overall, the human perspective of time is interesting. We live our lives day to day, year to year, often never quite grasping the extent of change that occurs right under our noses. Thirty years ago can feel like yesterday….until, for some reason or other, one is snapped into the current moment with a jolting awareness that can only be described as some kind of unsuspecting form of time travel. Suddenly, one is aware that people one knows became old.
There’s a film by M. Night Shyamalan that more or less captures this particular phenomenon. Released in 2021, it is (quite fittingly) titled “Old” and is about a family who vacations on a beach where the people age years in mere minutes. When the brother and sister (who were just kids at the start of the film) are finally rescued, they are in their 50s. Although it may seem like a pretty simple concept to understand, one really can’t comprehend the full extent of this genius tale until one actually experiences it…..and we all eventually do experience it.
Only some of this is related to what I want to share in this particular essay, however. The concept of time is more or less one of the concepts/subjects on my mind, but there’s nothing in particular I wish to express about it. Again, our perspective of it is always in flux. In fact, if I were to say anything definitive, it might be that time itself is always in flux. We may think that a minute is always just 60 seconds or 1/60th of an hour…..but what if a minute can speed up or slow down? Is it still a minute? Now, I’m pretty ignorant of the theory of relativity and such….but from the little I’ve read, I wonder whether our definitions of time and how we measure it are actually a hindrance to our understanding. Food for later thought, perhaps, since I seem to be getting a bit off subject from the topic at hand.
And what is the topic at hand? You might ask….or you might not, depending on how bored you are at this point in your reading. Whatever the case, I’m going to share it, even if it’s only to update everyone on my personal journey. For starters, I just got back from an 18-day excursion to northwestern Europe and Scotland. To say that this trip was fast-paced would be putting it lightly. By day seven of the journey, I had already visited eight different countries and several large cities, including London, Bruges, Amsterdam, Bremen, Copenhagen, and Oslo. This was all before a two-day fjord experience in Norway and a week in Scotland….the latter of which commenced just two days after the former.
So yeah, time is most definitely relative to much of my personal life experience the past few months. Since I have returned from the trip, I have awoken from sleep not knowing where I am and have dreamt I’m in a place like Bruges or stuck on a train because I missed my stop…..all of which has been its own trip, mind you. And then there’s the ever-present topic of my dating life, which currently does not exist…..but I, nevertheless, have been able to solidly conclude and pin point exactly why that is and where I stand in the process.
As I’m sure I’ve mentioned in prior posts, dating lost its luster for me about two years ago and all attempts to get back into it have failed. I find most connections lacking…..whether physical or spiritual…..and now, physical IS spiritual for me. It’s not just my body….not just my heart, even. My very soul is in the game now…..and while I seem to live this physical life like each moment may be my last, my soul has the patience of the eternal.
So now I wait…..for something that may never happen. And when I say “wait,” I don’t mean that I’m going to sit and watch the rest of my life pass me by. No. I mean that I’m not settling…..that I’m holding out for a partner who knows what he wants and that what he wants is me. I’m holding out for a connection that isn’t just physical and isn’t just a good “match” for the next year, decade, forty years, or whatever it may be. I’m holding out for the counterpart and love that’s been inside of me for as long as I can remember. Maybe it’s nothing more than my higher self or self-love and that’s okay too. I tune into these daily to keep myself on track……to communicate my intent, honor myself, and realign myself to this often difficult journey.
However, I do believe someone else in this with me, as well. Sometimes, in desperation, I call out to my higher self and faceless counterpart and ask…..where are you? At my lowest points, I get an answer. The answer may vary and is not always how I interpret it, but it’s unmistakably an answer. One time, it might be a ten-hour long phone conversation that’s turns out to be the closest I’ll ever come to talking to myself in the flesh. Another time, it might be one little jester from someone that lets me know to hang on….I’m not crazy.
But, I think it’s important to not put a face on this. When it comes to the ideal partner or soul-mate and the like, we so often want to do this. We want to do this with each new hopeful engagement. We want to think “this is the one”……and when we find out it’s not the one, it hits us hard. Either we find out that the person isn’t the perfect person we envision, a good match….or we find that the person doesn’t see us in the same way or reciprocate our feelings.
And yet, we want to nail it down……our person. We have to KNOW without a doubt. But even knowledge is funny. Real knowledge isn’t the intellectual knowledge we often seem to think it is. It’s actually our intuition….an internal knowing. It is also our awareness and consciousness…..which may be undeveloped, but nevertheless in a constant state of process and growth. Therefore, we can meet someone at one point in our lives and be completely oblivious that this is the so-called person we’ve been looking for.
Oh boy. There’s that bloody concept of time again. It’s everywhere and everything…..
When I was a small child, it often seemed like I was more aware (comparatively) than other children. Perhaps there’s some truth to this, yet, awareness comes with its disadvantages. I’ve spent so much of my life “knowing” things that it’s taken me a bit to acknowledge and accept what I don’t know. And again, I’m not talking about intellectual knowledge. It’s easy enough to accept larger philosophical questions as unknowns. What I’ve had to learn to accept is that I can’t know or willingly create many aspects of my own future through simple action or belief. This is what both the religious and non-religious do. The non-religious person wields his own power to make a thing so, while the religious person wields the power of belief…..often the belief in the power of a specific god or all-powerful being/entity. This is not to say that action and belief aren’t valid paths, mind you…..but neither will lead one to experiencing all that is with the mind of a curious and innocent child eager to learn and discover. I might argue, in fact, that either one could lead one to lose all sense of possibility, wonder, and magic…..if not careful.
So not knowing and seeing with the eyes of a small child…..this is where I am. And because of this, I don’t have a definitive face for this person who may or may not exist in this limited physical world….or any world, actually. I don’t have a face because I’m not trying to determine who it is or isn’t or will a person into being. I do only what I can and feel I should per my place in the journey. Right now, my place is inner work and watching in wonder. Maybe Mr. Faceless is doing this too. And maybe any expectations for him to do the work, now that I’ve done mine, are all wrong. Maybe he’s in the same place of unknowing, where he (also) may never act. And maybe, without action, we will never come to each other at all. That’s what many of us have learned, after all…..that without our action and involvement, nothing WILL happen. Without belief, nothing will happen.
It’s widely known that my own approach to most things in my life the better part of the last 15 years has been to act. There was a time I had to learn that too….to take action and personal responsibility, because nothing happens by itself. If you want a different life, you have to create it. We can’t just dream our ideal lives into existence. We have to build them. Sometimes, we even have to cut our losses, tear down, and start over. I’m certainly no stranger to doing this….and I’m still doing it. I haven’t stopped. It’s just that now I’m seeing the movement and play of everything else around me. I’m not the center of the world, but a part of it.
I’ve heard people talk about “flow,” as if it’s some kind of state one must learn to master. A common analogy is that we can either flow with the current or fight against it. In this analogy, choosing to fight against it only leads to struggle and difficulty. Yet, there’s also a ebb and flow to most things….and surrender can bring the most relief after a long fight. Letting go offers the most freedom after holding on. I can’t help but think that to swim against the current or cling to a branch for fear of being swept away is part of each being’s unique and singular journey. In this way, therefore, we don’t just learn to see again with the eyes of children. We ARE children still….in a world of wonder. We are children who experiment with every movement, decision….and we learn, grow, attach, and throw tantrums…..only to experience loss, but also the freedom of letting go and maybe starting again. Each new moment is like a visit to a new playground that comes to an end. Sometimes, we don’t want to leave and go home…..while other times, we get hurt and want our mommies to hold us. Sometimes, we don’t want to go to bed at night….while other times, we collapse on the living room floor in exhaustion.
So, why worry about attaining a state of “flow”……or even peace, detachment, any of it? Why become a master at any of this and what does it even mean to be a “master?” Doesn’t the very term imply some sort of attachment or will? I think it does, although I’m not going to answer for anyone else or make an assumption here. I’m just going to try to ride my new bike today without falling over and crashing. Maybe that’s exactly what is going to happen and I run home crying. Or maybe I finally manage to stay on and end up feeling like I can fly. Maybe I’ll be so determined to figure it out that I crash over and over again. Or maybe I exhaust myself to the point I give up….feeling either defeat or good knowing that I tried my hardest.
Or just maybe…..I end up where I am right now. It’s raining. The bike is put away, but I’m careful to maintain it, keep it clean. I can’t control the weather, but when the sun peeks out from behind the clouds, I’ll be ready. It will be time. And maybe Mr. Faceless will know it too. Maybe we’ll both run out the door and fly down the street toward each other…..in some sort of chance meeting orchestrated by the stars. Except, we won’t know it…..because we’re still kids and it’s all a mystery, such coincidence and chance. And maybe Mr. Faceless will be an old friend, crush, or love…..or maybe he’ll be someone I’ve never actually met before. It won’t matter, when I see his face…..whatever his face. I already know him like I know myself. We’ll be two free kids….ditching the confines of material and figurative masks, loving without conditions in our own unique and unspoken language.
But until then, it’s raining and I’m going to clean my bike. I’m going to go to that place in my head where I can fly…..where Mr. Faceless hears my voice as I hear his. And I’m going to say to him, “I can’t wait to see you. With new eyes…..yours and mine….I can’t wait to rest our gazes upon each other before riding off into the clouds and sun.”
“Or maybe…..we’ll just jump some ramps, ride a trail in the woods, and build a secret fort in a tree where we curl up together and listen to the chirping, buzzing, and rustling (the movement and play) of everything around us. And maybe, as we are a part of it all, we join in….”
Jeanie Unbottled 