Failure….possibly one of our species’ greatest fears. Knowing that it can lead to the loss and destruction of our self-esteem, sense of worth, status, livelihood and the like, we often tend to avoid it. How do we avoid it? We refrain from taking risks. Maybe we stay in our current job or position because we think it’s safer than trying something new. Or maybe we don’t get too involved with our new romantic interest for fear of the challenges we will face. Not only is the pain of rejection a real concern, but the thought of a relationship’s eventual failure can be an even bigger deterrent. With time, pain can fade. Failure, however, has a way of working its way into a person’s identity. I don’t just say that I failed at something. I don’t just experience a failure. I believe I am a failure. Seldom do we say that we are pain. Yet, failure has a way of hijacking an individual’s self-perception and attaching a permanent label to that perception. It has a way of damaging and altering the ego in ways that may not be immediately obvious. In short, failure becomes an issue for the individual person.
For example, I failed at a relationship, so now I feel bad. My ego has taken a hit. Even if I believe I failed the other person, I’m mostly concerned about my own feelings of failure. Maybe I don’t feel like I was the best at giving my partner what he needed or I lied about something and he lost trust in me. Whatever the case, the failure is about me. It’s about what I lost as a result of my failure. It could be the loss of the relationship, itself, or it could be the loss of my own positive feelings about myself. The exact loss is irrelevant. What is relevant is that I am feeling the loss. Maybe the other person is feeling the loss, as well, or maybe not. Maybe the other person also feels like a failure…..or maybe not. The point is, each person in the (now-ended) relationship is experiencing and feeling the failure and loss individually. It’s such a hit to each individual’s ego that either partner can only wallow in his/her own failure. Even if the failure is that I didn’t choose a good partner, for example, I’m feeling it. I’m feeling it as one person, separate from the other with whom I had been involved. I’m feeling that I failed myself. What I’m not feeling (or feeling only minimally) is that I failed us.
I suppose this only makes sense. When a committed relationship (or marriage) fails, it’s no longer about “we” and “us.” People separate and become two again…..or they never really became one in the first place. For, while we like to think that two people become “one” when they get married and such, it’s possibly not as spiritual as we like to think. Contrarily, becoming “one” often just means that two people work together as a team….perhaps raising kids, contributing financially, and completing projects. Yet, what if it were spiritual? Would it be necessary to join physically at all for two people to become one?
Here’s the thing. I keep writing about my own journey as if I’m in this alone. However, maybe it’s not just mine. Maybe I’m not in it alone. Maybe it’s ours. And maybe, if I’m failing at this, I’m not just failing myself. Maybe, I’m failing us. All of the inner work I’ve been doing and all of my efforts…..maybe they’re just not enough. Maybe I’m not doing my part and maybe it all falls on me.
Last year, I did something that I believed was my part in a collective experience. Not only was I reading on a daily basis and working on my own growth, I also followed through with a vision I had a year earlier, but never materialized. This year, what have I done? In many ways, I’ve become less attached to outcomes, which is good. I think it’s good, anyhow. There’s always a concern that without attachment, a person just ceases to care at all. Nevertheless, it seems like I’m still evolving…..despite my reading having almost ceased, along with unusual syncs and the like. I only wish some of my (now) habitual thoughts would cease, however. Even without the constant analyzation, I’m tired of thinking.
I suppose this is why my life has been somewhat more superficial the past few months. I took a trip to Europe, which mostly got my mind off of personal issues. The planning, alone, helped a great deal and then the trip itself was also quite distracting. It was a much needed break and created some distance between me and whatever has been in my head the past two years.
But now what? Where do I go from here? What’s the next step on this journey? Is it this fear I mention…..of failing us? And what of it? My first thought is that it’s an indication that I’m really thinking differently….that I’m connected to someone in a way that’s independent or beyond any physical or material interaction. Yet, a fear is still a fear and there are multiple issues with that. One of those issues, in fact, is that I seem to think that any failure or success falls on me and whether I fulfill my part.
Is this true? Does it fall on me? Am I not fulfilling my part? Or, am I thinking that things would be different right now if I were…..as if I’m placing some sort of blame on myself? Not fulfilling my part is one thing, but to assign blame to myself is quite another. Again, blame is about how a perceived failure has hurt an individual. Not fulfilling one’s part is more about how it hurts the team. With this, no blame is necessary because both parties are joined. Both parties are actually one party. They fall or rise together.
Perhaps all of this answers my own question…..that, basically, I am not assigning blame. I’m also thinking now that we, as a team, can’t fail. We have all of that is needed to succeed….as one. Maybe this is trust and faith…..this belief in us. All efforts or talk about how we should believe in ourselves or another are off base. It’s not about that. It’s likely that it’s not even about believing in some sort of fate, destiny, or even a certain path. It’s about believing in us and it’s as simple as that.
Simple as that, but that’s not everything I’ve learned. Perhaps the biggest realization of all in this awakening to us and the journey I’ve been on for the past couple of years….is that there is no journey. Not only is there no me and no you, in the realm of us, the word journey is but a meaningless stand-in for separation…..which doesn’t exist. In fact, it only seems like a journey until my eyes open and I see that I never have to go anywhere at all…..that separation is an illusion and there is no “you” to find.
There’s only us.
Jeanie Unbottled 