(The following was originally written over two years ago in the spring of 2023. I share it now with the acceptance that not every post has to feel complete or perfect. Maybe it’s thoughts and words that went nowhere or I didn’t feel fully expressed what I wanted at the time. Or, perhaps I didn’t initially share out of the fear of expressing too much. Whatever the case, I lay it all out here now. Thank you for reading.)
Well, I guess one could say it’s been awhile since I’ve felt like writing. It’s possible I’ve been distracted by plans for a trip to Europe at the end of the month, but more likely that I just haven’t wanted to think too much. It’s nice not thinking. It’s nice not dating, as well. This is another thing I haven’t wanted to do. However, I do want to share a few thoughts on this, as I have now had months to observe my thoughts and feelings on the matter.
It’s been a bit of an evolution….to get to where I am now. Looking back to the fall of 2021, I see a person looking to move on. I was still on a mission then. I knew all about unreciprocated feelings. If it’s not mutual, it’s the wrong person…..but this also means the right person is still to be found. So, that was the beginning of change…..when I was most aware of just how persistent a person’s patterns could be.
But change didn’t happen overnight. As the months moved into winter, I continued to seek a partner, romance, and the like….despite no real interest in those I met. Then, at the beginning of 2022, I spent some time with someone who was interested in a relationship with me. I was not on board for multiple reasons, but enjoyed the person’s company and friendship until the “hauntings” started and saw the friend allow another person to string him along as I, too, had allowed in my life. If you don’t know about the “hauntings,” you’ll have to read past blog posts to settle any curiosity. I’m not going to reiterate, but I will say that having my friend mirror my own lack of self-worth made me run for the hills. Even if I had moved on enough in my own life that I would no longer invite or entertain such a situation, I still had my own issues to work through.
Thankfully, it was only a few months of seeing a particular person’s face everywhere that a new mission to drive the Pacific Coast Highway gave me an avenue for the feelings I was trying to work through. Holding on and letting go, believing and doubting….it can all be a big confusing mess. And unfortunately, the mess is where I lingered for quite awhile as I worked my way through it. Reading, writing, and diving into spiritual teachings, I would be thinking I had let go one moment, only to find that I hadn’t. I also would be hit over the head with more synchronicities than I had ever experienced in my life, asking me to believe in something to which all other evidence attested was false. None of it was easy, as I felt it important to break past patterns of chasing after a person who didn’t reciprocate feelings, while simultaneously being faced with undeniable evidence that the person in question was the one. This “evidence” wasn’t logical, either…..and could be arguably delusional. Yet, the more I denied it, the stronger the hold it seemed to have on me.
Another part of the confusing mess was that I did try to date on two separate occasions, but both were short-lived. The first of the two experiences took place before I left for my trip to the Pacific coast. The second didn’t take place until months later in the fall. In between this time, I also spent one closer moment with an old friend and love interest. This moment felt necessary, as that time gave me a sense of completion and finality. The other moments, too, were necessary pieces in the puzzle of what was to be. From them, I learned that I no longer wanted what I thought I wanted. Instead of finding possibility in new experiences, I found that nothing and no one compared to what was already inside me. Call it a feeling, a gift, self-love, divine love, love for a particular person, or whatever else…..it doesn’t matter. What it actually was….and is…..is incomparable. It’s everything and nothing. It’s the whole….the yin and yang…..the whole of existence. Give it a name if you want and need that, but I don’t. The thing is…..it doesn’t need a name or even a description to be real.
Maybe at first, it showed itself in an experience with a particular person. Maybe that person somehow and unknowingly reflected it to me. Maybe that is all…..nothing more. I went into an experience with an open mind and heart…..and enough self-worth that I didn’t tie myself down to someone prematurely. I allowed myself the needed time to figure out how I felt…..and was determined that the other person also know what he wanted before thinking anything serious or committed. Perhaps that’s all it took…..the right time and place in my growth to awaken to something so big that nothing will ever be the same, look the same, or compare.
Something so big that now I look for nothing…..
Because, it’s all right here. It’s inside of me…..not outside of me. It’s my….self. I’m the yin and the yang. I’m the whole…..right here, right now. And really…..whether I say that it was another person who made me aware and who helped me find this in myself or that it was simply the right time place in my growth, it’s irrelevant. It’s not a “him” thing. It’s not a “me” thing. It’s most definitely an “us” thing…..but not the “us” thing I thought or wanted it to be.
It’s an “all of us” thing. That’s what I’ve found. We aren’t two people destined to be together in this world of bounds and limits. We are all people in a boundless world. The fact that I set one person apart from any other in such a way is just how I first saw it all. It’s how the doors opened for more growth. Unconditional love as a very real practice, self-love and acceptance, compassion for everyone and every living thing regardless of their roles in this world…..
At his point, there is no confusion for me. I believe in something beyond all skepticism and doubt, but this something can’t be labeled or defined. One can’t tack a religion to it…..or a man. It’s not a man…..or another person. All of the times over the past year or more that I fought the belief…..thinking I didn’t want to be delusional in my life and relationships and that it would all be better if I just accepted the reality of a situation and move on. I’m so glad that I eventually found my way…..
Balance never comes from jumping to the opposite extreme….as the opposite extreme is not likely to be true, either. In fact, every situation and experience is different. As humans, we tend to observe and compare our experiences, actions, and results….and we learn from the data gathered. If a particular result repeatedly follows a similar action or experience, then we conclude that the same result is likely to continue to repeat in other like situations.
Yet, as with many experiments, the variables must be accounted for….and at this point, I’m inclined to say that there are many other unseen variables at play within the scope of existence. In fact, I’m inclined to say that things like “energy” and “vibration” and quantum entanglement may have a very real effect on what we observe. Even what we believe and how connected we feel may have an effect.
So, with this being said, observations alone are nothing. We think that because we see or don’t see, that is everything. It’s not. Our eyes lie to us all of the time….mainly with the help of our brains, which make sense of our surroundings and fill in the visual gaps based on past experience.
They lie….like priests….and we believe them.
A seeker of truth….that’s what I considered myself when younger. Then, at some point, I dove into philosophy and didn’t care whether I ever found it or not. The question was all that mattered. Now….I have even less attachment. I don’t care about being smart or seeking or believing or not. I can say that I believe in this something…..but I care not about whether I’m somehow wrong.
How can I be wrong, anyway? My belief…or whatever you want to call it….is nothing but a feeling of complete wholeness in my being. It is me being content with myself….a joy deep within my aloneness and simultaneous connectedness. How can that be wrong?
And again, something outside of myself doesn’t matter. That’s not where I am to find love, completion, fulfillment, or anything else. That’s not the answer. That’s not where my salvation lies. Furthermore, if I am ever to date again or commit to a relationship, partnership, or romantic interest…..well, it’s going to be nothing short of what’s already in me…..and for that to happen, the other person is going to have to be aware of what’s in him too. He’s going to have to find it like I did…..or be shown as I was shown. If he’s stuck on traditional religious beliefs or stuck on not believing…..that’s inner conflict. It’s not balance. It’s not peace. It’s not flow. It’s not knowing or truth. It’s not freedom.
Jeanie Unbottled 