Not the writer here…

After a few months hiatus, I feel like sharing some of what I’ve been going through in my little world. For starters, I visited a friend in North Carolina the month of November, which did not end well…..and finally led to me completely cutting ties with her after returning to Illinois. I believe the bad dream I had about being back at her house a few weeks after leaving was enough to solidify my decision, although it wasn’t easy letting go.

I also visited another friend on the North Carolina coast…..a person I had met in North Dakota earlier in the year. A wonderful time spent…..and I honestly should have just stayed on the beach instead of returning to the mountains after five days. But hindsight is 20/20, so they say…..

None of this has anything to do with my silence these past months, however, and why I wanted to write today. The reason for my silence has to do with my subsequent trip to Iowa to house sit for friends in late December/early January. I suppose I didn’t realize how many emotions the visit would stir in me, having house-sat for the same friends the January before….or how my writing about past events from the earlier time would intensify the affect. But it was a lot to deal with. Same time of year…..passing places that reminded me of different moments….and just being in closer proximity geographically/physically than I had been for awhile.

I even went on a date while I was there in the attempt to snap myself out of all of it. Had fun….enjoyed the company. I wasn’t seriously interested in the person, although there was a kiss involved…..or three. THAT part was nice…..but it was also just one more thing learned about whatever I had been feeling during my days there.

The kiss was nice because I could feel HIM in me…..the memory of him….the memory of how I felt with him. I wanted everyone to be him and no one was. But, I realized that day that the emotions surging within me could enrich other experiences…..that they could flow through me and from me and into others. That was a nice thought, although the realization would be temporary. Growth, spiritual or otherwise, is not unlike a video game. Upon leveling up, we often find ourselves struggling again…..trying to learn our way through the new challenge. That’s how I felt. One second I had a great idea of how to utilize my emotions and take them in a positive direction and the next second I was back in Illinois realizing the terrain had changed…..again.

And this is where I’ve been since the second week of January. This new place where all is grey….and where I’m not interested in talking, seeing, dating……anyone. It’s true that I hadn’t really been interested all last fall, either…..but at least I could make myself be somewhat proactive in the situation. I was going through some of the motions and keeping myself afloat. Now, he’s just always there in my mind. I start watching a new show and I see him in the face of an actor on tv. Someone messages me on a dating site and I ignore the person…..because it’s not him.

But none of this is as bad as it sounds. I’m not depressed. At least, I don’t think I am depressed. I’m busy working right now…..have a few good friends I enjoy spending time with. I’ve just completely given in to my feelings at this point. If I thought I had done that last July, I was wrong. I was only waking up to them then. And then finding out that they weren’t reciprocated……well, I knew how to let go. I knew what I wanted….what I still want. And that is NOT some one-sided futile sacrifice of even just one moment of my life. I do possess an adequate amount of self-worth, after all.

However, I still find myself here……because this is different and I should know. I don’t feel broken or destroyed…..or desperate and unable to go on without him. No…..not at all. I’m actually doing well. I just have feelings and I’m not fighting them. Sure, I’m not jumping for joy on a daily basis and I may even look a little solemn…..but it is what it is. One second I find myself spontaneously crying over a thought or memory and the next second I’m dry eyed like it never happened. I just allow whatever wants to flow to flow…..and I’ve even found a certain balance and equilibrium in it all.

And I’ve gotten used to it…..and accepted that this just may be how it is from now on. Or maybe it won’t. After all, I’m not in control here and I think that’s the entire point. I have relinquished/surrendered all control. Whatever is going to happen in the days to come is going to happen. Simple as that…..

One thing that struck me just today was how some people seem to have a “type” and how I had carried around my own “type” for the better part of my 50 years. My friend Andy was my “type” and a person I found myself writing to in Michigan the fall of 2020 was my “type.” Last spring, I even had a moment where I felt that I had been programmed for something that didn’t want me…..that “something” being my “type.”

Amazing how all of that has changed. How superficial that all seems now. My type now? I don’t have a type. Or if I do, it’s just him….he’s the only one in the category of “my type.”

Maybe I’m a type and that’s all I am. I can’t deny the similarities between his ex and me. But I don’t feel like a “type” either. I feel like an original……even if I’m not. Even if I’m nothing but a temporary stand-in.

For a long time, I actually wanted to be somebody’s “type.” I wanted to be with someone who specifically liked redheads, etc. I’m pretty sure I would still like that. But real love doesn’t care about that. Without real love, being someone’s “type” means nothing. And with real love, NOT being someone’s “type” means nothing.

I wonder how long I’m going to be in this current place…..distant…..unreachable. I wonder whether someone can love me this way. If someone does, it won’t be because I deserve it…..because I have earned it or proven myself in any way. How does one love someone who loves someone else? Is my heart at all accessible to anyone who may attempt? Or is it just me here with myself now? Why does this seem better than any other option?

So many questions. I don’t need answers, however. I just throw them out there as a curiosity. It will be interesting to see where my life does go from here. I remember a time in my life when I remained faithful to the person I eventually married…..even while we were broken up and separated. That was so different than this…..and I really wish I could express why. It’s important that it’s different. It’s important that I’m not trying to make anything happen here. Quite the contrary. I feel whole and I’m living MY life.

The morning of our last night together, HE sent me a message saying that “we should get together at lunch.” I’ve never told anyone about this or written about this yet as far as I know, but due to my failing eyes, I first read the message as “we should get together at union.”

I didn’t know what that meant, but I thought about it for a bit before realizing the word was “lunch” and not “union.” Since that time, I’ve been reading all sorts of wacky things. The concept of “twin flames”…..5D versus 3D. I say “wacky” because I’m sure that’s how many would see such topics. I was a long time skeptic, myself……and an agnostic most of my life. I was not a fan of Christianity and I once wrote a paper comparing/contrasting Nietzsche’s thought and Buddhism. And yet, here I am……with a blog expressing Buddhist leanings and writing about higher states of consciousness and people sharing one soul.

But what’s the bottom line here? Given that I could probably think and write for days, is there any conclusion one can draw from any of it? Well……maybe….and maybe not. Anyone who has read this far is welcome to draw any conclusion he or she wishes. However, I think I’ll refrain from doing that. What do I know other than myself? You want to know me and what I believe? Well, that’s going to be tough…..because I’m still afraid and unclear here. It’s true I have beliefs…..and I do believe there are no coincidences. But beyond that is a mystery and I’m fine with it. It’s like in “The Matrix” when the oracle tells Neo only what he needs to hear at that specific point in time.

That’s me in this moment…..and I’ve been told that I’m not the one. Or maybe I’m Trinity and I’ve been told that “he’s” the one. Yes….that’s right…..I believe the story can go either way and I’m not the writer here. Right now, I’m just a person who chose the red pill.

3 thoughts on “Not the writer here…

  1. I appreciate (admire? relate to?) your ability and willingness to be vulnerable in quasi-public like this. I wonder if I have a type of person; certainly I can articulate qualities I like and/or need. Perhaps what I seek is not a type of person, but rather a type of connection, which I’ll recognize by how it draws me in and makes me feel, a feeling of being more fully alive or of life itself seeming larger.

    As for surfing waves of feelings, I suspect the way to stay upright lies somewhere between not fighting them and not giving in. The Zen teacher Kosho Uchiyama used the phrase “opening the hand of thought” to clarify that letting go doesn’t mean pushing away, but simply relaxing one’s grip; neither clinging nor avoiding, but allowing. Accepting the emotional weather while doing what one can/must to get through it, knowing it’s the nature of weather systems to come and go.

    All the Zen I’ve done also suggests that far more important than all the stories we constantly tell ourselves about what’s going on, how it got this way, and what’s coming next pale in significance to discerning where one is right now and what the most skillful/helpful thing to do (or not do) might be. What does this precise moment ask of you? Can you trust that the highest aspiration is merely to make the best choice you’re presently capable of, then adjust, then choose and adjust, again and again, ad infinitum? Knocked off center, wobble, come back upright; lather, rinse, repeat.

    I can’t say I’ve achieved deep, lasting peace with this approach. However, the more I can relax my grip on Why, the more relief I seem to feel.

    As for undeserved, unearned love, I think if we only got what we deserved, we’d all be in a much sorrier state. My understanding of grace is far different than when I first heard the word, yet something like it does seem to be real. As for how to love someone who loves another, well, doesn’t love seem supremely immune to the question Why?

    It sounds like you’re on track for…something. Curiosity and patience amid uncertainty and transience — this could be key for those of us who swallowed the red pill.


    1. Thank you, Bruce, for reading and contributing. I like the idea of “relaxing one’s grip.”

      I encountered a metaphor recently……about opening a window to allow in the fresh air. As soon as one attempts to close the window and trap the air inside, it becomes stagnant….and loses its freshness. And so, if we want to enjoy the fresh air, we must allow it to come and go…..

      I believe this is from one of my Osho readings…..


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