Maybe I can be surprised again…

Like many people just trying to find their way, I make choices that sometimes don’t make a lot of sense to others…..and sometimes, I’m not the best person or as “perfect” as people think. Perhaps I tried to be too “mature” and emotionally well-adjusted at an early age…..seeing how trust encourages trust…..wanting to treat people fairly. My talent for objectivity surely helped. I could analyze and separate my emotions from what I knew was the “right” thing to do.

But something I didn’t realize…..is that there’s a lot of value in making “mistakes.” There’s a lot of value in the “human” experience. And even if I sometimes do things which others may judge or for which others may not be able to forgive or accept, I’ve been learning to forgive myself and love myself. And my capacity for showing compassion to others has only expanded.

You see, one thing about me that isn’t all bad is that I have no desire to see anyone suffer…..no desire to see karma bite someone in the ass and no desire to get “even” or one-up anyone. And if someone judges me for something, that’s okay. Just because I try to live my life as a non-judgmental presence in other people’s lives, doesn’t mean they will do the same…..and really, the only person’s business I need to be minding is my own. And that’s what I’ve been doing……walking the path I need to walk to experience and learn and grow. It’s also how I figure out what I want…..not just for myself, but for others.

And this brings me to what I want to really write about today…..what I want moving forward……and what I don’t want. But first, I want to apologize to someone I care about and forgive a few others. I want to apologize for not knowing what I wanted….and forgive those who also may not have known what they wanted….in any shared attempt at romance, love, companionship and partnership. Although I don’t believe anyone intentionally does wrong or hurts another person he/she may like enough to date, we often do send conflicting messages…..and against any logical understanding of what’s going on, we can bring inner turmoil to those we care about. Yes, we all have a responsibility to ourselves to resolve the turmoil, but how we often do this is not necessary the best either……that being to distant ourselves from the people who seem to cause it.

Now, I realize I’m being pretty vague here, so let me get more specific about what I’m talking about. Since it all goes back to what I want and what I don’t want….and what I’ve learned from my experiences over the past two years, I’m going to start there. First….what I don’t want…..

I don’t want the person I’m seeing to ever wonder with who else I might be conversing or seeing. I don’t want the person I’m seeing to ever have to wonder about a long-time friend I still talk to or see on occasion. I don’t want to be lying in bed with the person I’m falling in love with……and feel him tense up at the mention of said friend’s name. I also don’t want to leave my phone with him….out of trust….and suspect later that he may have seen messages to someone I met before him and with who I was trying to maintain a friendship or whatever else in my ignorance and uncertainty about my own ability to choose people who also choose me……and who want something more or serious with me.

How can I tell what anyone wants? And does it matter? What if I go with what I want only? Well, I’ve tried that too……tying myself down to people who didn’t really want any sort of relationship with me. And in that, I learned that I want something reciprocal…..first and foremost. So, perhaps, my actions have reflected that……but now they need to reflect who I am becoming or (maybe) re-becoming.

I believe, in my past, I was so afraid of loss and being disliked, unloved, or unworthy that I really struggled to prove that…..to prove my trustworthiness to someone who had an issue with trust. And although I was successful in that, I also wanted to get past that…..and I did. I risked loss……and have, since, actually experienced it. Now that I’ve done that, however, I want something real and enduring. I want to be solid in what I have to offer. I want there to be no doubt that my feelings are true. I want transparency, honesty……the courage to discontinue (or never begin) involvements with those in which there isn’t enough mutual desire……

And maybe this leaves me alone, currently. Maybe I’m not ready for anything with anyone else right now. Maybe I’ll never be ready. Maybe it’s true what they say…..that we always believe our first love is our last and our last love is our first. That sure is how I feel…..that I never really loved before last year. I know I should be happy with just that…..and I am.

I just don’t know where to go from here other than to hold true……to myself and others. Someone surprised me once. Maybe I can be surprised again.

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