This is why I’m afraid…

Just want to take a minute to thank everyone who has followed my posts and to let you all know that I’m going to be taking a break. I am unsure for how long.

As some of you may be aware, I have struggled to let go these past months. I have attempted to turn heartbreak into spiritual growth, expansion. I have healed things in me so much…..only to crash harder after. I am now triggered regularly by a good friend, who is also someone I love very much.

No one ever wants the truth, because the truth can be hurtful. Humans are often jealous and possessive…..and complexity can be difficult. Our egos also tend to get in the way and wreak havoc.

But here’s the truth as best as I know it….

I’m afraid that I will never be beautiful to anyone and what I mean by that is the type of beauty that comes from pure and true love. I’m afraid I am an ugly person. I am afraid I am never going to be okay……that the heartbreak I feel will never lessen…..that I will suffer with it my whole life…..that I will never love anyone again.

It is a fact that many people have experienced unreciprocated love before. It is difficult, but eventually, people find a way to move on. They find a way because they know they deserve to be loved and they want that.

I experienced this with the first person I dated after my husband passed away. And you know what? It wasn’t easy. However, I did move on. I did believe there was someone out there for me. I believed and I let go.

And then I had two relationships lasting just under five years each. I let go of those too. I still believed there was someone out there.

And then I met someone from Michigan….and another person from Iowa. And my life took a turn. I cared and loved in ways I never had before. I grew…..every day. I grew in love….every day.

There were other people I encountered who liked me, but I wasn’t interested. I made it clear to those people I wasn’t interested.

When contact ended with the person from Iowa, It was tough. Unreciprocated love…..again. But I figured I had been through that once. No big deal. Plus, I maintained contact with the person from Michigan. I didn’t know what was in store for me…..for my life. I had no idea about anything. I only knew how I felt about two people. I only knew what was revealed to me through personal insight/ inner knowing and signs or synchronicities. I paid attention. I listened to my inner self and things I felt I was being shown.

And what I believed was that I had more growth ahead of me. I had more work to do. And I did. I grew in unconditional love. And more recently, I have grown out of the concept of marriage as most people see it. I have grown beyond jealousy or possessiveness. I don’t feel pain because the people I love may love or spend time with others.

But I do feel pain from one person telling me he didn’t feel the same about me. I do feel pain from things changing with the only other person I care about. I do feel the pain of my lost self…..the self that could attach to another person…..the self that could fall in love.

I have always been able to see the specialness in people….their hearts. But before two years ago, I never saw so much beauty in another person. Before two years ago, I could let go and move on…..at least eventually….when someone didn’t love me. Until two years ago, I felt worthy of love.

But now? Now, I feel like the worse person on the planet, all because I dared to love the way I did. I honestly believed, at one point, that one love would be temporary…..a wonderful and unexpected gift. I just as honestly believed that the other was deeper…..would last.

And then I got knocked on my behind by something out of my control. And I didn’t fight it. I went with it….where it led me. And then since, I’ve been going with it….even when things changed and shifted. I changed and shifted with it. I eventually even got some closure with another long-time male friend. I cleared out so much…….

I got myself in a better position to be the partner I wanted to be…..to be fully worthy, healthy, ready. Yes, it took me some time…..but here I am.

For what? I don’t know. I believed……and feel like a fool. But that’s even okay. I don’t mind feeling like a fool. But I believed……still believe….and I can’t stop. And it’s tearing me apart.

I’m really really trying to move on, but it’s still so difficult. This is not where my belief is. My belief is stuck. It’s not “out there” anymore. Contrary to the rejection I have suffered, it’s never waivered from its place….its home. Even as confusing as that is.

So, this is where I am. I am going to stop writing about all of this. I am going to take a break. I am going to go more inward. I am going to step slowly. I am going to succumb to whatever depression is trying to take over. I’m not going to care if this pushes others away.

I’m not going to fake anything. I’m not going to put out good energy for the sake of getting what I want….not that it would work anyhow. I’m not playing that game. This is how I feel. This is not about anyone else at all, in fact. This is about me.

This is what I need to do. I’m not trying to win over anyone. I’m not trying to make anyone else feel sorry for me or for what has happened to me and what I’m going through.

The people I’m talking about here are beautiful……truly beautiful people. I love them. Do you hear me? I want no suffering. Only love. If I suffer, that is on me to deal with and find my way. My pain is mine. It is my responsibility……my challenge, growth, whatever comes of it.

I’m just afraid, is all. I think the reason for my confusion is because I’m not supposed to know…..not supposed to know who’s going to walk out of the fog…..if anyone. And this unknown is scary. To sit with a belief…..to have faith in things that don’t make sense….

To accept things that don’t make sense…..to let go of the desire to let go.

Because letting go isn’t a tool…..it’s not a way to control. Again, the belief is stuck. It’s in me. It’s a part of me. It is me.

I don’t think it’s going anywhere…..

And this is why I’m afraid.