Sitting in a warm coffee shop, snow flakes descending in white fury outside a nearby window, and I’m thinking it may be time to re-emerge from my brief writing hiatus. The past few weeks have been, in part, about moving on…..but also about returning. The return, in fact, has been both literal and figurative….returning to locations with memories tied to them, returning to myself, returning to my soul’s higher calling or purpose.
This concept of “soul” is not something everyone embraces. However, I’m going to suspend reason and logic for the purpose of this writing. I’m going to entertain the idea of “soul” as a very real and inseparable condition of being. I’m going to consider my earthly life and human form to be a “soul’s learning.” Everything I do here and everyone I meet is a lesson…..but not just a lesson. This isn’t about learning for the mere sake of this life. It’s about moving toward something deeper within and farther beyond. Experiences here are neither good or bad. Those we see as enemies are our friends…..doing what it takes to help us along, despite knowing that our limited human selves may be driven to anger, disdain, and separation as a result.
I don’t force feelings….or haven’t for the past couple of years, at least. However, if one looks at the entirety of my life, he/she may see me seeking…..love, meaning…..that soaring feeling one gets when hope and inspiration appear on the doorstep, calling for its recipient to believe despite any “reality” the mind may create to distract from glory and truth. In short, as much as I can see the so-called reality in various life situations, I am a dreamer. I have always been a dreamer. I have always had wings and the ability to fly every bit as much as I’ve had the ability to dive to the darkest and deepest depths.
But, seeking or not, I don’t force feelings…..and for the past few weeks, I haven’t forced anything else, either. Instead, I’ve chosen to take a step back and allow truth and revelation to come to me. I’ve lived and experienced in the moment and have returned again and again to a higher realm….of consciousness, of the soul. You see…..I’ve been letting go of what I have so longed for in my earthly existence and I have chosen, instead, to remain (as much as possible) in the state of my higher self…..in a place of unity. I have done this, knowing that what I have been seeking is already with me.
There is a song by LIVE titled “Lightening Crashes,” which expresses the confusion we are all born into when we enter this world. My own confusion over the course of the past year or more, perhaps, reflects this greater confusion we all experience when finding ourselves on a spinning ball of rock rotating around a thermonuclear fusion reactor over 100 times its size. How did we get here? Why are we here? Where is here? What does any of this mean? These are just a few of the many questions that may comprise the thoughts swimming around in our heads as we go about the business of surviving and maintaining our existence here….in this place we sometimes don’t even know whether we like, with people we also can’t seem to make up our minds about.
At the time of my last blog post, I suppose I had gotten to the point that I was tired of my own confusion and simultaneously willing to just accept it. All of the thinking….the writing…..it was time to stop. It was time to rest. The universe seemed to agree. There have been no huge indicators for my next step. No huge “signs” pointing the way or spurring me to action. Just me sitting with myself, sitting with others. Conversations and interactions naturally have brought things to light about myself. The desire I once had to share a life with someone…..replaced by something bigger. The desire to unite or reunite with someone else replaced by our connection in the ethereal. And I’ll be honest, I wasn’t certain about the “face” of this connection. I could only feel it, but that was enough. Not only was it enough, but it was more important than seeing or attaching any sort of image to it…..to whoever it may be. At least, in the absence of a face or image, there was no confusion. There was no question.
I had a moment in the car at some point this past week or so. It’s difficult to say exactly when, since I’ve let recent days pass without differentiation. But the moment was a simple reminder….that one person I know always seems to be in tune with me. He knows how I feel without me telling him….and this is over a pretty good physical distance. Perhaps it’s not unlike some sort of quantum entanglement, except that we are often at opposite places from one another energetically. The more content and preoccupied he seems to be, the more I think about him. The more content and preoccupied I am, the more unsettled he appears. Occasionally, we are on the same wavelength. I recall a moment in the spring of 2021, during which I was driving around Death Valley and the Eastern Sierra. He was so heavy in my thoughts and after a couple of days of silence, I messaged him. It turned out that he was working through the same issue.
That was over a year and a half ago. Much happened after that day and things changed. I suppose that’s what happens when you’re an ignorant and confused organic life form. That’s what happens when you first start learning to balance self-love with love of other. That’s what happens before you realize that self is other…..before you both realize.
Furthermore, that’s what happens when you remain attached to this life, this existence. That’s what happens when you remain attached to specific and desired outcomes….when your own brain tricks you into thinking you’re letting go. I didn’t let go. I never let go. I couldn’t have my desired outcome in one place, so I went looking for it in another. And yet, I went looking for it in the same place….which is on this spinning ball of rock.
Well, I’m not looking for it there, or anywhere, anymore. Again, there’s no reason to look. There’s also no reason to let go….or hold on. This isn’t one thing or another. This just is….and it’s become increasingly obvious to me in recent weeks. We can no sooner separate than we can come together, unite or reunite. We simply are.
Don’t follow? Take my hand, if you want. Take it right now. I’ll show you. I’ll show you what your higher self already knows. I’ll show you what your soul knows…..and recognizes when seeing it in the flesh.
I’ll show you……
the beauty I see every single time I look at you.
Jeanie Unbottled 