Wow….what a couple of months it’s been. Not only did I finally come to a good place again from which to date and entertain the possibility of a relationship, I met someone new and enjoyed some fun moments visiting museums, taking photos, sharing food, and overall playing like a kid. I emerged from the fog, so to speak…..finally able to let go of that which had been haunting me for months and care without the gripping obsession pervading so many of my days.
But that’s not all. My short jump back into the dating world brought new self-awareness and a clearer sense of direction in my life. It brought a new inner fire for an old love and cast a new light on old themes in my life’s story. It showed me that yesterday’s fear is today’s choice….that I have in me what I need to venture onward. I have in me what it takes to explore a different path…..to dance alone rather than with anyone else at all.
Just to be clear….it’s not about practical thinking or courage. It’s not a decision based on reason, risk, or the need to control. I haven’t decided that it’s the best decision based on experience or past failures and I haven’t overcome any sort of fear. One day, I just opened my eyes to see no fear at all in any direction. A mission…..perhaps. But even that implies some sort of “goal” or outcome and a desire for something. This is not what I’m experiencing. What I’m experiencing has more to do with “being” and less to do with any sort of achievement or legacy.
In fact, I’m not even caught up in the idea of doing “good” in the world or helping others. Sure, I’ve begun work on a writing project that may do just that, but I’m not actually trying to accomplish something or become someone. It’s far simpler than that. It’s me really just seeing my true self for the first time and being entirely my complete essence with full compassion and no judgment. I feel so fortunate in this new level of peace and contentment. I feel so fortunate in the path that’s led me here and where it may lead me tomorrow. I feel so fortunate for those who’ve knowingly and unknowingly helped along the way.
I feel so fortunate to have loved so truly and unconditionally in this life. We often think it a gift when someone loves us, but the real gift is in loving someone else…in loving others. Some people understand this intuitively from an early age. For me, it’s taken 52 years. Apparently, I had to fight the same battle as almost everyone else before arriving at this place of comprehension. Perhaps I’m just a slow learner….or my own experiences make me some sort of bridge between the wars raging inside of all of us and the peace that is all of ours to discover. I suppose either is possible.
And yet, this idea of a “bridge” is exactly where my writing (and path) is headed. I’m not actually claiming to be a bridge, mind you. It’s more like providing the framework of a bridge or constructing a bridge for others. It won’t be the only bridge, either, as others already exist and are built every day. However, this fact matters no more than my lack of scholarly credentials. If I can cross a creek on a dropped tree log, so can someone else. Plus, dropped tree logs are kind of fun.
Maybe I’ll even build a tiny house from branches and twigs on the other side….
Jeanie Unbottled 