Just a quick update before my life gets crazy with work and I have little time to write. The past week has been interesting, to say the least. I believe I have purged more emotionally than I have in months and have put myself out there asking for help. I also have had many things from my past come up that have helped me to see the bigger picture and evaluate experiences, thoughts, and feelings from the past two years. I’m sure a lot of people on social media think I’m completely unstable or obsessive at this point for all that I’ve shared, but that’s okay. Having come to a point where I’m not worried about my weirdness or whether someone likes me, I’m good with it.
Plus, I can admit to my own crazy. If I were a complete victim of myself, it might be different. However, I know where my head is….even when I allow it to get away from me. Guess this is why I fell into the category of “The Explorer” on a personality test I took this morning. Never mind that I was cautious and in control most of my life. Being that I like to learn and look at things from different perspectives, it’s only natural that I would want to try NOT being so much in control.
Perhaps this is what a lot of people have trouble understanding about me. I realize I’ve said it before, but I’m not just one thing. Yes, I have strong tendencies….but it doesn’t mean I have to be stuck in them. Furthermore, despite my free-flowing/share-all-in-writing persona, I still do think before acting. I don’t tend to react to much and typically reserve judgement…..watching things play out and gathering data long before coming to some sort of conclusion. And even then, conclusions aren’t final. The thinking doesn’t stop.
All of this is me diverging from the subject, however. What I want to write about is what has actually come to light…..what switch has flipped in me these past days. First of all, I believe I have now fully surrendered to whatever it is that I’ve been going through and this is not a bad thing. I’ve been flipping back and forth for months….fighting and then not fighting. It’s probably par the course for anyone who is both analytical/logical and creative. Sometimes, the two sides battle.
Nevertheless, my own battle has simmered a bit. Somehow or another, I have resolved the duality of two competing processes working within me. On the one hand, I have surrendered to the more irrational and intuitive side of myself…..which has led to, on the other hand, my more rational side regaining some of its grip. It’s interesting how this has worked and I’ll be amazed if I ever find out that anyone understands a bit of what I’m trying to express here.
But that’s that. Now, I’m not just potentially insane. I’m one of those people who can quite calmly and seriously (without blinking an eye) express my crazy thoughts and ideas to others as if they have a hard basis in science and fact. They don’t and I can easily ditch them all if needed, but I’m okay being a believer for a minute. Again, why not explore this? What do I have to lose?
There’s a reason for my surrender to this, by the way. Not only have I come to a point where I’m tired of resisting it, I also have been somehow released from it. If I’m being too vague, my apologies. Let’s just say that I’ve been on a spiritual journey that was somehow activated by the ending of a romantic relationship about a year and a half ago. Anyone who’s been reading my crazy personal posts since that time has surely seen it, but it’s suddenly gotten to the point where it’s way easier to acknowledge, accept, and divulge to others.
Anyhow, this journey (primarily) has taken me inward, leading me to feel ever more connected to my higher self and others. It has led me to more self-love and acceptance than ever before and it has brought me more internal peace. However, I’ve also had more obsessive moments…..moments where I couldn’t seem to let go at all. In fact, for every two steps forward, it sometimes seemed like I was taking at least one step back. One moment, I would be finally and completely free of any past co-dependency…..and the next I would be struggling more than I’d had in years.
In years. Because, honestly, I thought I had gotten over most of my issues well before I started experiencing any of this.
So, this is the nitty gritty. This is the scary “red flag” type stuff no one wants to see, me included. In fact, I have had days where I’ve been happy and content alone more than ever and then days when I’ve felt completely broken because I’m not interested in anyone. I mean, being alone is great and I will choose that over being with someone on any sort of superficial level, but I have been genuinely afraid at various points that I may not be able to feel again….or fall in love again. I’ve been afraid I might remain perpetually uninterested the rest of my days, as nothing would compare to that or be like that again.
But then, something happened. Just when I needed it the most, but would have never sought it externally…..a surprise.
And this is why, now, I’m a believer. I surrender and give in to it. You got me. I’m not going to waste any more of my time worrying about what’s in store along this path. I’m not going to try to determine what I’m suppose to do and who I should be doing it with. I’m not going to worry about “the one”…..or even speculate and hope. At this point, I have no idea. The universe can send me whatever messages it wants and I’ll do what I feel I should do in the moment with the understanding that it may not lead where I think it’s going to lead.
Almost a week ago, I had a 10-hour long phone conversation I never expected with someone I’ve never met. I’m sure that some part of my brain is even still processing it, but the immediate result of it was/is this. It was comfortable, really comfortable…..and I was interested. With just that one contact, I felt something in me I hadn’t been able to feel for months. Also, it’s a rare thing for me to be both comfortable with someone and romantically inclined….never mind without meeting face to face. Typically, if I’m comfortable, the person is a friend. Additionally, instant feelings are not a thing for me. If I have them, they don’t hold much weight. I typically withhold judgement…..as previously stated. This saves me, too….as I’ve had some really close friends I didn’t like at all the first time I met them. I’ve also had a number of good dates, after which things just kind of flopped. However, in this particular case with the aforementioned person, I immediately knew it was different.
Now, to anyone else who may be inclined to make judgements based on what I write in this moment, please don’t. I wouldn’t even write about it except that I learned something in it I want to share and what I learned is…..I’m not broken. I also learned (finally) to trust….whatever happens.
Whatever happens is right. Endings….beginnings….coming together…..separating. Maybe even coming together again….or not. This doesn’t just apply to personal relationships, either. Sometimes we think we know what we are doing professionally with our lives. We think this career or profession is the one for us or we think our mission in life is one thing and then something changes at some point.
So, what does any of it matter? I want to say that none of it does, but that’s not entirely true. It all matters in the moment. It’s just that our lives are (typically) comprised of many moments and all of them matter. They’re just not all the same.
The point is that I had a great conversation last Friday with a person to whom I felt immediately drawn. That’s it. Do I want more? Of course I want more. That’s human nature. We all want more of what we like….no matter how much we have. We can have one day with a person or 50 years and it doesn’t matter. We will always want more. So, that’s beside the point. I say “that’s it” because the moment mattered and I have since lived other moments. Yeah, maybe the ones following have seemed way less interesting and fun, but as long as I’m alive, the moments will keep coming and I’m going to keep finding the “interesting and fun” in each of them. Maybe even better ones are on the way….from somewhere. Or contrarily, I’m moving toward them. I’m moving toward them when it doesn’t even look like I am…..when one step to my right takes me 3,000 miles in a completely opposite direction.
Or maybe, the value I’m placing on any singular moment is completely all wrong….specifically when that moment is either in the past or in the future. Yes, our memory reminds us of really great moments and feelings associated with them and our imagination inspires us toward the great moments we hope to come. Yet, what I have come to understand is that we can’t ever experience any of it if we don’t live fully each moment as we are in it.
THIS is my surrender. I don’t just surrender to all that has been lost or all that’s to come. I surrender to the moment. I’m not going to try to make it into any other moment. It’s beautiful, all on its own. As I sit typing these words now, sitting with my laptop and glass of water in a comfortable and cozy local coffee shop, I see its beauty. I hear it. I smell it. I taste it. I touch it.
What a glorious moment it is.