Another day, another step back and then forward again. I hadn’t planned to post something today, but here I am. With each moment, it would appear that I am going more and more mad/crazy….or whatever word a person wants to attach to it.
Needless to say….there’s been a lot of judgement fired at me. In my worst moments, my ego is ready to annihilate anything and anyone who challenges me. I say worst moments, but it’s also maybe my best moments. Because, I’m just not allowing anyone to mistreat me or hurt me at this stage. I’m saying “No.” When a so-called friend does something to hurt me, I don’t let it slide. I acknowledge that the person has to do whatever it is he/she has to do, but so do I. This means, I’m not forsaking my own feelings for someone else’s.
But of course, when you don’t allow something to slide, people will try to turn it around on you….tell you that you’re somehow the “bad” person or friend. They’ll try to use their feelings of “love” for you to manipulate. They’ll use the things you’ve shared with them to judge, criticize, gaslight, and psychoanalyze.
None of it matters. I could say that it’s been unfortunate, but I haven’t felt that way at all. I believe I’ve lost a friend out of my need to be alone. That same friend tends to meddle in other people’s affairs, however. Doubt I would ever be able to be romantically involved with anyone as long as we are friends. So, as much as that does hurt, I do believe it’s for the best. I wish her well.
And then there’s a male friend and former co-worker. Ever since we began to hang out, something has felt “off”…..not healthy. Well, it’s no secret that we’ve both been dealing with things. As a result, I have kept my distance. He, on the other hand, has tried to latch on. That is, until recently, when things kind of blew up.
It’s strange typing that….”when things kind of blew up.” This is new to me. Having kept the peace in relationships for so long…..approaching things in a way I felt to be “mature” and fair….most things just tend to die due to the other person’s boredom.
Not now, however. Now, I’m beginning to call people out on their crap. And I’m good at it. I have special and refined skills. I can detect manipulation from across the globe. I can detect negative energy and situations buried miles below ground.
So, this is the necessary “ego” stuff. Eventually, maybe soon, this will fall away too. But right now, it’s still needed in some capacity as I transition. I know it’s needed because every relationship I’ve ever had has led me to this. And you know what? All of the people who have played a part….all of the experiences I believed to be negative experiences in some way….they’re all blessings (for lack of a better word) in disguise.
You see….I’ve stopped seeing them in any kind of negative light. Without these people and experiences, in fact, I’m not sure where I would be. After one person and experience teaches me something, another follows in its place. As I see it now, it’s all been an amazing sacrifice of love. No one is “bad.” No one is “wrong.” The catalysts in our lives….they are willing to act as the so-called enemy to spur our evolution.
Like so many others I know, I had been looking at it all wrong. Even if I acknowledged that I was learning from certain people and experiences, I still saw some as “unhealthy” or “toxic,” etc. I still saw some in at least a somewhat negative light. I will admit to this. It was part of the process. Being a co-dependent for years, I was good at making excuses for those in my life. At some point, we have to identify the unhealthy patterns and this sometimes manifests first as identifying “unhealthy” individuals.
So I did that. Then, later, I recognized my own responsibility in all of it. Until finally, which is where I am now, I don’t see anything as unhealthy at all. As long as we are learning, growing, expanding….it’s all healthy. We don’t even have to learn, grow, and expand within any certain time span, either. We can spend our entire lives on just one step, or even spend multiple lifetimes….for those who may believe in this kind of thing. The thing is, expansion is inevitable…..for all of us. It’s not a matter of whether it will happen….only a matter of when. And “when” is irrelevant to eternity.
Did I mention at the start of this that I’m growing more mad/crazy by the day? If you’re having trouble digesting my words, don’t say you weren’t warned. The reality is that most people who read this aren’t going to be at the same place in their journey and all journeys are different. There’s just so many facets to the whole of who we are as one unified energy. Take my own part or place in it, for example. My mention of “facets” that make up the whole of everything…..this idea/visual came from a dream I had over 30 years ago. It didn’t come from readings or anyone else. It came, presumably, from somewhere in me….and somewhere beyond at the same time.
And I’m willing to bet that we all have such unique experiences, messages, moments of awakening. So many of us have similar or even identical moments, as well. When we share them, in fact, we discover the consistency and parallels between us. When we don’t share, we block our own mission and path…..the facet of which remains but a dark spot in the universe.
So yes, I may be mad….but I’m not hiding it and I don’t care what it costs me. Truth be known, it seems to me that what falls away makes way for what’s to come. It also reveals what IS. It reveals temporary relationships/connections…..and the eternal, if they exist. Even when I misjudge, I eventually see. And I have to trust this….that all is revealed in time. It’s not revealed when I want it to be. That’s not trust. That’s not patience and peace in the moment. That’s control and that’s the ego. Real trust is acceptance and surrender to the unknown, to the confusion and the struggle.
Oddly enough, as soon as we surrender to these, they go away. The confusion and the struggle dissolve into clarity and calm. We only think we need to fight, that surrender means defeat. But no….surrender means freedom. Surrender releases us from the hold of our false selves. The ego is nothing but an overprotective mother, keeping us from living and enjoying life under the guise of sheltering us from all of its lurking dangers.
Last night, just before bed, I posted a bunch of crazy thoughts on a social media account and right at the tail end of doing this, my whole head was filled with the most wonderful sound I’ve ever heard. I would describe it as the sound of the cosmos…..or “heaven,” if you will. It engulfed my entire head like an orgasm and I didn’t want it to stop. Eventually, it did fade, but for a moment it was as if I had been gifted with an entirely new extra-sensory ability. Rather amazing, in that I wouldn’t even call myself an auditory learner. I’ve always been more visual. But, there I was in bed, hearing at an entirely different level.
Maybe it’s just the onset of old age. Maybe it’s because I went to a show last night and head-banged my way through a couple of hours of loud music right in front of the stage like some wrinkled up teenager. I suppose it’s just as possible as the alternative.
I’ll let you be the judge….