I may never know…

My husband passed away over 14 years ago, yet it is the death of something else around three years ago that still has me in strange territory as I write this. Oddly enough, it isn’t some sort of co-dependent obsession, infatuation, unhealthy pattern, desire or anything of the like that’s brought me here. As far as I can tell, it’s more likely the act of being true to myself. Even then, when I was still afraid of being strung along and hurt, I was making efforts to break out of anxious and avoidant attachment styles. I was more healed than years earlier. I had grown away from the person I was in my marriage.

Looking back, I see two different processes simultaneously at work in my life in 2021. One process was the gradual moving away from unhealthy relationships. The other process was the movement toward intimacy and letting go enough to truly love. I suppose the collision of these two processes, unbeknownst to me, was a recipe for heartbreak. I took the right actions, I thought, and didn’t sacrifice my own freedom and independence for someone who didn’t express an interest in something more serious. Meanwhile, my heart was entirely split open by an unsuccessful move to Michigan immediately before that time and it left me vulnerable to the seeds of passion, an utterance of the word “beautiful,” unconditional love, and the possible revelation of a lifetime.

Before that time, I didn’t know what love was. It’s likely that I thought it more akin to fear, possessiveness, and fidelity than anything else. Even during that particular period in my life, I was not without fear. It’s why I was so passive with a certain person I was seeing. I didn’t even know how to be myself with someone I really liked and for whom I was beginning to fall. Instead, I suffered with a sort of paralysis from which nothing could possibly grow. Add to that my own reluctance to claim anyone for myself and communicate dislikes or expectations and what one may find is merely a convenient situation for someone on the rebound who doesn’t even want to take the time to feel a damn thing.

Yet, none of this says anything about what happened inside of me as I lived in the moment somewhere between life and death. I was so open to this person I reference that all superficialities just melted away. This began even before I was completely aware of it. It happened the first night we met, sitting in my car on a cold winter night after dinner. I basically told him that he couldn’t possibly know that I was the person he wanted to be with and he argued with me…..as he had also done through the last part of dinner. He even got pouty about it for a split second and that’s when I saw it. I saw myself. I saw my unwavering hope in another person for the first time in my life. I saw my own heart….my own soul, if you will. I saw what I had been looking for, but could have never described before that moment.

Nevertheless, we said our good-byes and the date ended not long after with me left thinking that it was just a physical thing. Even the physical part was enough to scare me. I was triggered by the chemistry there. Words my husband had said to me that I had forgotten suddenly surfaced out of nowhere. And then, I could sense a distance with him on more than one occasion. It was a distance that likely kept me from moving closer and feeling entirely safe, as well. While I am usually a great person to talk to and with which to share, I don’t tend to pry. I give and allow for space…..even when it is to my detriment.

Whatever the case, these were the processes at work in me. And when our romantic involvement ended, an entirely new process began. That’s where I am now…..still. Sure, there have been many sub-processes since that time, as I have developed a greater capacity for compassion, have learned to honor and love myself in ways I never could before. A few friendships have ended and some have grown. I’m braver and don’t hold back on telling others how I feel or don’t. I have absolutely zero fear on whether someone is into me….likely because I have yet to find anyone I am actually into.

The best way I can describe it now is that I went through something like a near-death experience when that romantic involvement ceased. It was like I had died and gone to heaven and then came back to life. Nothing was the same. I didn’t see the world or other people the same. At first, I was numb with shock, but also surprisingly okay. I felt whole, which was different from how I had felt in past break-ups. I even tried to see other people, but quickly realized it was the physical aspects of the relationship I was missing and the energy that we seemed to create together. Though, I should clarify that none of this is as superficial as it might sound. What I really had trouble with in dating others was that I had become aware, through the experience of that relationship, that I was completely blind to other people’s essence or their souls, however one might interpret that.

Perhaps I had always been blind to others in this way. I mean, I believe I can see inside people and know who they are, but that recognition I experienced with him just isn’t there and I’ve been very aware of this fact for the past three years. If I am honest, it has made it very difficult to be physical with anyone else or even get into a relationship with another person. You see, that’s what honoring ourselves is all about. Regardless of anyone else, we have to honor who we are….even if it’s just who we are at that time and doing what we feel we must do at that time.

I can never fault anyone for this, by the way. Even the person who didn’t love me back. It’s just life and honestly, I am so happy for the opportunities I have had to travel these past few years. I am so happy to have grown in the ways that I have. I am more at peace than ever, even with the occasional synchronicities, hauntings, reminders, and what-have-you.

In my younger years, I had a strong desire to be known and seen and when someone didn’t, couldn’t, or wouldn’t see me, it hurt. Such an odd thing now. This person never saw me at all…..but I no longer care anything about that. I no longer care whether anyone sees me the way I saw/see him. This desire is completely absent in me now. Somehow, while a complete mystery to me, this person managed to reject me and leave me feeling more whole and more seen than I’ve ever been before. Perhaps it’s my own work that has done this these past three years as I looked inside myself for acceptance, connection, and love. Perhaps it’s something else.

I may never know….